Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
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pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help