@ThugRaccoons

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

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@Megatronic13

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

@AnniemuMary

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

@cmonstah

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

@PJTLynch

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

@maebemarbles

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

@JeffMyspace

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

@realHamOnWry

What did I learn today?

Red Bull does not give you wings…and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.

@TheWeirdWorld

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

@MyNameIsArchaic

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!