Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
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It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
4: And blue
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
What did I learn today?
Red Bull does not give you wings…and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!