Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

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“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing


[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”


please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q


Don’t kid yourself vegans.

If a cow got the chance he’d eat you and everyone you know


Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over


Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.


Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.


GENIE: okay, 3 wishes

ME: i want Sean Connery to recite She sells sea shells-

GENIE: that’s two

ME: in the form of a rap

SEAN CONNERY: {clears throat} gimme a shick beat


“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”


Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.