Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
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Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
“How’s your day going?”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
s
oc
i
a
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Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.