i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
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boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
God, I love Scotland
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂