Try and stop me.
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Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
hitler鈥檚 mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they鈥檙e doing and chase after it.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don鈥檛 wear any.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That鈥檚 not gonna fit, it鈥檚 way too big.
H: You鈥檝e said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL鈥擨T IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were鈥攚ere you not listening just now
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air鈥long with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
馃ぃ馃槀
You don鈥檛 need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that鈥檚 wrong with you for free.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child鈥檚 face while taking a picture of them. It鈥檚 called balance
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
My favorite female superhero
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 馃憖
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
if you think you鈥檙e having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test