Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
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inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.