satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

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– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.


My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic


i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won


My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.


HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?


Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his “wined up” toy.


[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]


Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh


[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”