Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
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THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12