Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
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I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
when mom throws a party…
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?