Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
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I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil