Thanks for the holiday photo! I can’t believe your little girls are already unhappy, overweight teenagers!
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
You Might Also Like
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That’s basically my only plan in life.