SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
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I hope Alan is OK
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.