@TylerLinkin Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.
@ItsAndyRyan Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
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@TylerLinkin 
@Rollmaninoz Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
@Dawn_M_ I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
@ilovepie84 If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
@rolldiggity Dog Walking Business Idea:
1. Train every dog to walk another dog.
2. Put the dogs in a dog walking circle.
3. GO TO A MOVIE!
@FatherofTweet Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
@david8hughes [bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
@daddydoubts Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
@zero3_benz FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
@bananagrvyrd People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.