him: what are you writing?
me: an epic romantic novel.
him: nice! what’s it called?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
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“please human with me” – bear
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
When black guys say “ya feel me?”, I literally feel them so they know exactly what level of white I’m operating at.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I’m her from the future.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.