@ItsAndyRyan

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

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@TylerLinkin

Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.

@Rollmaninoz

Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’

@Dawn_M_

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

@rolldiggity

Dog Walking Business Idea:
1. Train every dog to walk another dog.
2. Put the dogs in a dog walking circle.
3. GO TO A MOVIE!

@FatherofTweet

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

@david8hughes

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

@daddydoubts

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

@zero3_benz

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

@bananagrvyrd

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.