Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?