@AndyAsAdjective

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

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@fightgeek

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

@squirl_haggard

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

@NJPsychDoc

I wish my name was Grudge. This way my wife would hold on to me forever.

@ronnui_

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

@thechrisschmidt

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

@PetrickSara

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

@amandamull

Adulthood is just constantly trying to get rid of a faint headache

@skittle624

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

@JohnBirmingham

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

@Swishergirl24

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.