[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
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7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings