[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

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found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today


[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker


I wish my name was Grudge. This way my wife would hold on to me forever.


Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer


I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.


[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.


Adulthood is just constantly trying to get rid of a faint headache


My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.


Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.


“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.