Saturday night, time to get crazy! *shuffles Uno cards*

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Having standards is important, so having double standards is even better than that because it means you have twice as many standards.


My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.


I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.


if going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions


Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.


You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’


Some people don’t realize how grateful they should be that I’m not allowed to carry a sword in public.


When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.


The closest I get to exercising is when I trip on the sidewalk and pretend jog for like 10 feet.


*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold