@shadygeekdad

Saturday night, time to get crazy! *shuffles Uno cards*

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@_steamy_mac

Having standards is important, so having double standards is even better than that because it means you have twice as many standards.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

@trevso_electric

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

@LambyMcSheeps

if going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

@P1ssed_K1d

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

@BarebakAssassin

Some people don’t realize how grateful they should be that I’m not allowed to carry a sword in public.

@tchrquotes

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

@markydoodoo

The closest I get to exercising is when I trip on the sidewalk and pretend jog for like 10 feet.

@AbrasiveGhost

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold