Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
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My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
#SuperBowl
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.