SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
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I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Autocorrect completely socks
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
you stereotypes are all alike
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag