coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
You Might Also Like
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
This why you should mind your business
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February