Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
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I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life