Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

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Me in my 20’s:
oh cool there’s an after party

Me in my 40’s:
oh cool this cardigan has pockets


Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.


[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on


Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.


in 70 years, teenagers will commiserate on how their COVID-era grandparents still hoard toilet paper and hand sanitizer. “my grandma keeps a closet full of it!”


How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.


*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*


My Uber driver was telling me “stop apply lipstick!” and “start lipstick, Miss!” because of holes in the road… not all heroes wear capes