@WarrenHolstein

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

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@lianamaeby

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

@Reverend_Scott

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

@blade_funner

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

@KyleSmells

them: *unintelligible*

me: sorry what?

them: *unintelligible*

me: sorry i have bad hearing, one more time?

them: *unintelligible but louder*

me: haha yeah

@iYoungKhalifa

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

@JayTuvz

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

@HansGrubertron

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

@cloudypianos

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword