To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
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Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
The four elements
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
me: sorry what?
me: sorry i have bad hearing, one more time?
them: *unintelligible but louder*
me: haha yeah
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword