@WarrenHolstein

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

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@bossy_bootz

Me in my 20’s:
oh cool there’s an after party

Me in my 40’s:
oh cool this cardigan has pockets

@lbcoen

Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.

@Juicedballs

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

@reallifemommy3

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

@morninggloria

in 70 years, teenagers will commiserate on how their COVID-era grandparents still hoard toilet paper and hand sanitizer. “my grandma keeps a closet full of it!”

@PaulFrei

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

@SpacePlankton

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

@megsaystweet

My Uber driver was telling me “stop apply lipstick!” and “start lipstick, Miss!” because of holes in the road… not all heroes wear capes