Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
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Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Me irl
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty