#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
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ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.
HER: What position do u play?
ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
“Carrie” is my favourite movie about how religious faith leads to supernatural mass murder.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
BOSS: can i ask u a question
ME: you just did
ME: because that was a question
ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.
BOSS: why are u in the fish tank
Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.
Alcohol is best served.
Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.