@leechee420

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

You Might Also Like

@YoungNobler

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

@ericsshadow

ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.

HER: What position do u play?

ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.

@FweeHouses

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

@moose_chocolate

“Carrie” is my favourite movie about how religious faith leads to supernatural mass murder.

@felixoshea

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

@jazz_inmypants

BOSS: can i ask u a question

ME: you just did

BOSS: wh–

ME: because that was a question

BOSS:

ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.

BOSS: why are u in the fish tank

@GuyConfused

Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.

@QueenofSparta

Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.