Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

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#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff


ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.

HER: What position do u play?

ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.


police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…


“Carrie” is my favourite movie about how religious faith leads to supernatural mass murder.


If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.


BOSS: can i ask u a question

ME: you just did

BOSS: wh–

ME: because that was a question


ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.

BOSS: why are u in the fish tank


Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.


Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.