Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
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One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My favorite farside!!
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victimā¦
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Adulthood is equal parts ānobody can tell me what to doā and āI wish someone would tell me what to doā
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests š
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and Iām just thinking about how scary that would be.
āDo you want seconds?ā
āHELL NAH! Iāve got three kids at home.ā
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it canāt afford the rent.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothinā on a craze of kids.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.