Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
#parenting
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.