@LoveNLunchmeat

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

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@MomofTeen

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

@ibid78

*slaps the shit out of a fish with a slightly larger, more confused fish*

@sexorpizza

Friend: Hey guess what?

Me: What?

Friend: No, guess!

Me: I don’t need this friendship that bad.

@mrjohndarby

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

@PaperWash

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

@AbbyHasIssues

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

@KevinFarzad

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

@HatfieldAnne

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

@thetobbie

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…