I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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*slaps the shit out of a fish with a slightly larger, more confused fish*
Friend: Hey guess what?
Friend: No, guess!
Me: I don’t need this friendship that bad.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Today folks! #Eclipse #SCIENCE
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…