@WalkingOutside

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

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@joshgondelman

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

@Dawn_M_

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

@Gupton68

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

@_SingleBabyMama

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

@Cheeseboy22

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

@david8hughes

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

@LifeUnPinterest

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

@envydatropic

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.