Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

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Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.


The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.


“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”


HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*


Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.


If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to


unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life


It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.


There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus