Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
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Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.