@WalkingOutside

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

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@JesseFernandez

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

@bffinheels

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

@Kid_topher

“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”

@KalvinMacleod

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

@Darlainky

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

@gwatts77

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

@MikeSchism

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

@mattgallo123

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

@HelloCullen

There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus