There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
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Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
You’ve just made a very lazy enemy my friend.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.