Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
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It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Okay
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”