How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I need to get some bricks…
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Smallpox sounds so adorable