@GreenEyedLoon

Saved a man from a speeding car
Man: Can’t trust anyone
Me: True
Man: Us old ones got to stick together
Pushed him in front of the next car

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@DaddyJew

*gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.

@TheNardvark

Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

@caliluvgirl77

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

@BellaBurnley

My ex bf called me today. I answered by screaming “HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!” and hung up.

Should make him wonder a lil bit.

@ArelyCorral

If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough

@Tmoney68

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

@markleggett

I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.

@Holy_Mowgli

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes