*gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.
Saved a man from a speeding car
Man: Can’t trust anyone
Man: Us old ones got to stick together
Pushed him in front of the next car
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Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!
When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My ex bf called me today. I answered by screaming “HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!” and hung up.
Should make him wonder a lil bit.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?