@DestryBrod
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
@Coolisiana
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
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@DestryBrod
@ThugRaccoons
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
@mstluvstrinkets
“Ok, so you love kids and a clean house? Really, you don’t drink but you like to drive?”
Me, interviewing the perfect sister wife
@dadopotamus
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
@kcmoore51
[sanitation worker knocks at my door]
The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.
@LizHackett
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
@professorkiosk
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
@grimpossible
Walls are just sober floors.
@Parentpains
Sometimes I’ll tell my wife the car is making a weird noise and I need to listen just so I don’t have to hear her talk.