@Coolisiana

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

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@rhysjamesy

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

@Midgetspar

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

@SteveSuckington

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

@elizaskinner

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

@LizHackett

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

@DitzMcGeee

[a blind date]

me: you look disappointed?

him: your text said you model…

me: autocorrect must’ve changed it; i don’t model, i yodel. hey where are you going, should i just order for you?

@mydmac

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

@XplodingUnicorn

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

@jessokfine

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist