I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
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Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I work like this:
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[a blind date]
me: you look disappointed?
him: your text said you model…
me: autocorrect must’ve changed it; i don’t model, i yodel. hey where are you going, should i just order for you?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist