@Coolisiana

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

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@DestryBrod

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

@ThugRaccoons

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

@mstluvstrinkets

“Ok, so you love kids and a clean house? Really, you don’t drink but you like to drive?”

Me, interviewing the perfect sister wife

@dadopotamus

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

@kcmoore51

[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.

@LizHackett

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

@professorkiosk

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

@Parentpains

Sometimes I’ll tell my wife the car is making a weird noise and I need to listen just so I don’t have to hear her talk.