*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

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This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.


KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?


“Ok, so you love kids and a clean house? Really, you don’t drink but you like to drive?”

Me, interviewing the perfect sister wife


“What do you like to do in your free time?”


“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.


[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.


Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.


Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.


Sometimes I’ll tell my wife the car is making a weird noise and I need to listen just so I don’t have to hear her talk.