*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
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ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Saint West, the patron of selfies
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.