[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
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Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it