@tsm560

*saves the date*

Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.

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@SJSchauer

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

@fro_vo

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

@CrockettForReal

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

@FunnyBison

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

@Shenanigans_luv

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

@QueefTornado

Watching a birth is beautiful.

Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.

@thistallawkgirl

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

@JusticeBeever

Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.

@TheMongoose69

When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.

@NicestHippo

WIFE: He thinks he’s a news anchor
DOCTOR: Is this true
ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]