“You’re gonna die in 7 days”
[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
*saves the date*
Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.
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*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Watching a birth is beautiful.
Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.
When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.
WIFE: He thinks he’s a news anchor
DOCTOR: Is this true
ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]