Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
You Might Also Like
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
White parent Vs Arab parents
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.