Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
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I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.