SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
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Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.