@hereholddeez

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

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@donni

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

@alexlumaga

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

@Cheeseboy22

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

@Phoebetate

I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.

@Token_Geezer

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

@JermHimselfish

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

@li4mst3w4rt

me: it’s too hot

*opens window*

*in comes 305430 flies, 43866 spiders, 91193 moths, a serial killer, a paedophile and a burglar*

(HELP)

@nerdreign

I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.

@random6691

If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.