My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Me: Write it down.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Mulder: someone in this room is an alien
Scully: look for anything out of the ordinary
Me: *drinking hot orange juice* like what
Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby
Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?
Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits 🙁
“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
“Out. Just get out.”