@DustinAHarkins

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

You Might Also Like

@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

@EyalAlony

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

@fillthevacuum

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

@fro_vo

Mulder: someone in this room is an alien
Scully: look for anything out of the ordinary
Me: *drinking hot orange juice* like what

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby

Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?

Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?

@ObscureGent

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

@River_Niles

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

@Darlainky

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

@GimpySunshine

ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits ūüôĀ

@Tharin_P

“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
“…What?”
” -Toes.”
“Out. Just get out.”