I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?
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Well at least the company is owning its mistake
Wow howl of winter 😍😍
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
According to this tray of lasagne, I’m a family of 4.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.