Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?

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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?


Wow howl of winter 😍😍


I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.


i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.


If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately


[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife


I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.


“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.