@delusions_of

Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?

You Might Also Like

@Jordan_Morris

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

@MrWaqasAkram

Wow howl of winter 😍😍
#WTI
#اچھے_الفاظ
@Tayyaba__94
@TayyabaWaqas94
https://t.co/yFA0E1lbDX

@gorrdano

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

@dadmann_walking

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

@Hadzilla

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

@Ygrene

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

@Home_Halfway

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

@SirFlushaLot

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.