Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
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“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
⛄️
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
this is what they would have looked like, though