@delusions_of

Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?

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@HatfieldAnne

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

@IvoryGazelle

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

@1MeLrO

Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches

@N0pantz

Plan B and pregnancy tests should be sold at the Liquor Store as a ‘one stop shop’ kinda thing. Save all that judgment for one cashier.

@pancakemixtape

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

@NYC_Blonde

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

@omgthatspunny

I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that 3 other companies were after me. He said: “which ones?”

I replied: “the electricity, gas and the water”.

@squirrel74wkgn

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

@AimeeHelene1

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*