Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?

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Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.


Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since


Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches


Plan B and pregnancy tests should be sold at the Liquor Store as a ‘one stop shop’ kinda thing. Save all that judgment for one cashier.


It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.


This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.


Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily


I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that 3 other companies were after me. He said: “which ones?”

I replied: “the electricity, gas and the water”.


[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet


*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*