Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Oh we’ve met.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.