@VisionBored1

Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read

Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read

- @VisionBored1

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@b_griff88

The cable company is sending a guy out between 1:00 and 2017.

@tracietom

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

@Brianhopecomedy

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

@LaLuchaNix

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

@iAmDelFreaky

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

@infamousone96

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

@T_Bonezzz_

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

@ThisOneSayz

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

@6stringSpecial

My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.