Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read

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How to win an argument with a woman:

1. Too late, you’re already wrong.


“I love all quilts, regardless of quality.” – blanket statement


Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed


Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I’m comin down with something

Me: lol ok whatever

Kid: *tiny cough*



Does this mask make my face look funny?

*husband slowly backs out of the room


I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.


A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.


There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits


Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom


I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong