Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
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Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
We all have our pet causes.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?