Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.
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You could eat off the floor in this bathroom, but that’s just a euphemism. We have a dining room.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Me: Oh ya you like that?
Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?
Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.
Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.