@savvystrider

Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.

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@HatfieldAnne

You could eat off the floor in this bathroom, but that’s just a euphemism. We have a dining room.

@dafloydsta

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

@tracietom

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

@De_ja_vu_who

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

@TheCatWhisprer

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

@Ideal_Victoria

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

@rockymomax

[having sex]
Me: Oh ya you like that?
Her: Deeper!
Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.

Them:

Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.