Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
You Might Also Like
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..