*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
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Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
*looks at you in batman voice*
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership