Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Saw a couple standing in the park holding each other tightly, silently, not moving. I was touched.
Both their phones must’ve been stolen.
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Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Sometimes Victoria’s Secret is Victor’s secret on weekends.
Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.