@Ibeerya

Saw a couple standing in the park holding each other tightly, silently, not moving. I was touched.

Both their phones must’ve been stolen.

You Might Also Like

@LittleMissZesty

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

@TheWadest

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

@Shenaniglenns

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

@ddsmidt

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

@fro_vo

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

@TheMichaelRock

Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.

@ikpsgill1

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

@qwertying

Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.