Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
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my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I’m good, thanks.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT