My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
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STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*