Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
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when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Match dot com, but for socks.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET