Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
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[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
May you never lose your sense of wonder.