Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@djdarrellripley

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

@david8hughes

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

@TheTweetOfGod

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

@GrantTanaka

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

@hero_ofthenight

If I worked at Starbucks I’d pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time.

“I see you’re drinking 2%, is that because you think you’re fat?”

@murrman5

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

@pterotactful

poseidon: has anyone seen my trident

zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit

@jonnysun

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

@thagr8short1

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’