@JohnMayer
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
@AndyAsAdjective
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
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@JohnMayer
@theshamingofjay
It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.
@Talk_To_The_Hat
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
@TechnicallyRon
Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“No”
“What”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“Just take…”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”
@SvnSxty
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
@jjhartinger
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
@PopeAwesomeXIII
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
@DamienFahey
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
@ilovepie84
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
@Phreemann
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.