Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?


It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.


Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”


Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“Just take…”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”


finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice


I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.


Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place


The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.


A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.


Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.