@AndyAsAdjective

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

You Might Also Like

@JohnMayer

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

@theshamingofjay

It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

@TechnicallyRon

Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“No”
“What”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“Just take…”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”

@SvnSxty

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

@jjhartinger

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

@DamienFahey

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

@ilovepie84

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

@Phreemann

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.