Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
me: not that this helps you
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
me: …an aquatic sea animal
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
me: please go away
If I worked at Starbucks I’d pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time.
“I see you’re drinking 2%, is that because you think you’re fat?”
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
poseidon: has anyone seen my trident
zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’