[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked “You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?
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This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Parenting tip: see if your child has learnt to swear by turning the wifi off while they’re gaming online