@DomBorrett

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

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@MikeEpps___

Niggas Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram

@dmc1138

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

@iamWillemDafoe

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

@JoParkerBear

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

@NoogsCorner

When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.

@anerdonfire2

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

@Xoolun

Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I’m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.

@Goddamnit_Jason

BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

@fmanjoo

In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.

@Book_Krazy

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.