Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
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There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.