Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
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replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.