My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
channeling her this year
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!